When my loved one's illness returned with a vengeance, I called a friend who is also a therapist in hopes of learning of someone who might be able to work with my loved one. My friend offered some words of wisdom, given my loved one's physical state at that point, which were "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."
I have spent the past 9 years doing just that while taking care of myself in a number of ways as well as continuing to search and uncover opportunities for my loved one to, if they are willing, pursue treatment(s) that will lead to recovery.
I realize that the phrase "if they are willing" will irk some readers who don't believe it's wise to wait until willingness happens - and I agree when someone is first diagnosed with an ED -- so I want to note here for a newcomer to my blog that my frame of reference involves more than eleven years of treatment in a variety of settings as well as in the past year a return to a brain nourished state. At some point the willingness of an adult with an ED to work with experienced therapists and other team members becomes part of the equation, especially when -- I've provided a link to information from the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) -- insight (as opposed to anosognosia) is apparent. I pray daily that the willingness will kick in. My loved one has a will of iron; would that my loved one would resolve to get on the road to recovery!!!!
Continuing to hope, I know, takes a lot of courage. Much of what Marjie writes in the following post I'm sure is recognizable to so many of us who have a loved one with an eating disorder. As research by people like Dr. Walter Kaye continues, as information about co-diagnoses and their influence on eating disorders becomes known, and as work by family members and others to offer a shoulder to lean on (and so much more) increases - F.E.A.S.T., Maudsley Parents, NEDA, etc., - there remains a great deal of hope........
Courage is what it
takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also
what it takes to sit down and listen.
~Winston
Churchill
Dear Family & Friends of the Eating Disordered;
The support group will be meeting again this week at 7:00pm on Wednesday evening (8/7) at the Hyde Park Counseling Center in Tampa. We've been having some great discussions, and this week we'll begin taking a closer look at a book called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. I'm looking forward to seeing any & all who can make it, and please be assured that all are welcome. The ABA 12-step meeting will also be happening upstairs. Please shoot me a quick email if you think you will make it to the meeting.
From the subject line and from the opening quote, it might appear that I'm adding yet another word beginning with "C". Courage is most certainly one that we could add to the list. I think finding the courage to persevere, overcome denial, and confront the necessity of change within ourselves is a huge part of coping with a loved one's serious addiction. On a day to day basis, it sometimes seems to require almost Herculean strength just to get out of bed to face another day of doubt and despair, frustration and fear, anger and anxiety. Living with someone who is deep within the grip of an eating disorder (or any addiction) is surely akin to experiencing a bit of hell here on earth. Those of us going through it can not really describe it or explain what it's like to others...not only is it painful and embarrassing to detail, but it also seems to defy any adequate verbal expression. Yeah, guess you just have to be there--but I certainly wouldn't wish that on anybody.
As we share in group there are always nods of agreement as someone describes what would seem to any "outsider" as a patently insane scenario, but for those in the room it's pretty much universally understood. I guess to some degree misery does love company because there are times that we laugh as we realize that we don't have to explain or justify to others in attendance because they've visited the very same depths of the disease. It's a laugh of some relief at the fact that we don't have to defend with this group. It's an expression of true empathy that comes from mutually shared experience made even more significant by the suffering at its core. Often when I speak with someone for the first time, whether in group or over the phone, they're amazed that I know so clearly what they're talking about and surprised when I can share descriptions that are completely in line with their own. After groping alone and in the dark with the horror of this disease, there is some comfort in finding others who understand and have seen first hand what they and their loved ones have lived through and to talk about it.
And that's probably the main reason we cling to one another: we seek hope and crave reassurance. So while courage is an important attribute, we are focused on that which may give us courage...hope is the ingredient that helps us to cope. Having hope means more than just wishing that things would get better. Hope requires some basis upon which to have an expectation of things to come. We might search for that basis in the form of a medicine, a treatment center, or a therapist for instance. We scour the internet, ask medical professionals, and pray for answers. When we read or hear of someone's recovery, we want to know the key factors and how we can make use of them. We find some hope in another's recovery even while dealing with the fear at the edge of our mind that wonders if it will happen for us.
Perhaps our time of greatest hope is when our loved one goes in for residential treatment (hey--with 24/7 therapeutic care and a price tag that makes one cringe, haven't we paid for a bucket load of hope?). Going in for treatment is a very big step, and with it comes expectations for some real recovery. Come on, let's be real here. Our hope is that serious treatment will result in a very real cure. OK, if you're well versed in your "C" words, you know that we don't think in terms of a cure, so we'll settle for some serious progress. But how can we help but expect some big bang for all those bucks??
Look back over the last two paragraphs, and you'll notice the 3 italicized words. Ring any bells for you?? One of the premises that I've talked about previously is that expectations are the building blocks of future resentments. Those is ED therapy talk about the expectations of others by using terms like "trigger", "burden", "stumbling block", and "wall". One of the common personality traits of the eating disordered is that of being a people pleaser and a perfectionist. Our expectations (including those we've expressed &/or implied as well as those they may assume and imagine) have a huge impact on our loved ones, usually more than we realize as their impaired coping skills may blow them out of proportion. Thus it behooves us to be aware of the expectations we do harbor and to be willing to examine their source and question their validity. While we may hope for progress towards recovery, are we expecting an unrealistic amount of change? Is the hope that therapy will help develop better emotional coping mechanisms while the expectation is that the eating disorder will be gone when residential program concludes? Is the hope that he or she will learn to make healthier decisions, and the expectation is that all those decisions will be the same ones that we would make??? And what will our reactions/responses be when those expectations aren't met? More importantly, how will such expectations affect our loved ones?
So, where does this leave us as far as our having hope is concerned? Hopefully, it will help us to think more deeply about just what it is that we are hoping for. A young girl may hope to be a princess when she grows up. We smile at the notion even as we hold her in our arms and twirl her about the room. There is no worry as we enjoy the childhood innocence, confident that in due time her maturity will bring her hopes in line with reality. Shouldn't we ask the same of ourselves--that our hopes be mature & in line with reality--and especially so knowing that our hopes do affect our expectations which in turn have an impact on those we love?
Eating disorders are horrible addictive diseases that ravage bodies and even claim lives. Yes, that is an awful truth. But an equally important truth is that there are many people who have managed to progress well into recovery and are leading very productive, fulfilling, and happy lives. I personally know individuals who have managed to crawl back from the depths of very serious ED's and are now enjoying healthy adulthood with successful careers, happy marriages, and even as parents of their own children. Recovery is possible. Recovery does happen.
You've heard the expression: Be careful what you ask for, you may get it. For us it is more a matter of learning what to hope for. Do I hope that my daughter will get to the point that her decisions are always ones that I approve of--or--should I consider hoping that she will grow to a place where she will have the confidence to be honest with herself and others and be able to think more clearly about the decisions she makes so that she will be confident in them and able to live comfortably and healthfully with the consequences? There is a big difference, and I hope I am learning to understand & use that knowledge in my own life because making some critical adjustments in my own thinking may be the best thing I can do for my daughter.
And what about you? Are you willing to examine your own hopes? Gosh, I hope so.
Marjie Ruth
727-244-9011 (c)