Rules of the House When an Adult Returns (or for a teen who already lives there)

[The following post may be triggering for those with active eating disorders.]

The topic of rules of the house has come up now and then on a site I frequent for parents of those with eating disorders.  We certainly needed to address this subject six years ago when my very ill loved one rejoined our household after living either independently or with a significant other for more than ten years.  Our goal was to help her stay alive and get her into treatment when she was willing to take that step. Parents of adults returning to the household might want to consider this step, too.

Other parents need to bring up this subject when things go completely out of control in their household when ED (the Eating Disorder) moves in and takes over the mind of their teenager or younger child although this post is directed  for parents of teens and adults.  

In either case, many have experienced the aftermath of midnight binges, the discovery of money missing from the community food jar or even checks and credit cards from a purse/wallet, food wrappers in a personal closet or under the bed, a clogged toilet or shower drain, stashes of food not eaten or bags of regurgitated food somewhere in the room or in the garbage bin, etc., etc.  Others have been shocked to discover their loved one has been out and about late at night, either on foot or in the car.   For some, suddenly all the behaviors a parent thought were part of (relatively speaking,  given teenage years) peaceful daily living in the house have been replaced by those of a seemingly rebellious person intent on creating mayhem.

Once I shared some samples from teenage rules kinds of sites on the above-mentioned eating disorder site, I read a range of reactions.  Some parents simply shut the door and continued taking their child to therapy, figuring the behavior might improve.  Another couple I know locked their bedroom door each night; another put a lock on the pantry; another, a lock on the refrigerator; one kept no food at all in the house for a period of time.  Some took away car or other privileges.

We took the attitude of "our house, our rules." Given the age of our loved one, we're older, too,  and not as amenable to disruption as younger parents might be.  We did find ourselves retreating to our bedroom on occasion and shutting the door for our own time out.  But for the most part, because we negotiated rules with our loved one who also consulted her own therapist before the final draft was acceptable to all, we reached agreement on a  list that worked for our family in our situation.  Every family is going to be different.  I discuss this on a post re communication, too.

The suggestions of the communication method LEAP help a lot in this process.

I  went searching for the original draft because it was fairly comprehensive and might serve as a working template for those considering inviting their adult back into their household.  Of course, the list will pertain to their knowledge of their loved one's behavior.  We've heard comments from others with an adult with an eating disorder like "our adult is behaving like a teenager again!"  And, of course, these documents can always be renegotiated as things get better or possibly become worse.  

We do recommend  that the document be treated like a contract and that the parent(s) be prepared to firmly stand behind the boundaries listed.  As many parents have discovered, it's not uncommon for one with an eating disorder to try to get around the rules.  Secrecy is a major tool.  So is the ED's manipulation.

As will become obvious very quickly, the parent(s) must follow these rules, too!  The expression, do as I say and not as I do does not work in this situation.

Here is that draft drawn from several sources before we altered it to fit our situation living here in the desert with scorpions, cockroaches, and crickets:

1.         All communication channels will remain open between and among all members of your team, including your parents -- with no restrictions. 

[this one is key; without this provision things can get out of control really fast]

2.         There will be no physical or verbal abuse in the home.  Verbal abuse includes yelling.  This includes obscene gestures, as well.  No slamming of doors. [We know a parent who removed the door to his adult child's room; another who removed a teenager's door.]

3.         Treat household members and property with respect.

4.         Your room must be clean before you leave for the day/go to school, etc.

This means:  bed made, clothes picked up off floor and either put in drawers, hung in closet, placed on appropriate shelves or in dirty clothes basket; other things put away in drawers or ordered neatly on dresser surface.  

5.         Kitchen: Dishes are not to be left in the sink. Wash and put in dish drain/ or place in dishwasher. Clean up any spills right away. Clean up eating area after each meal including floor

6.         All food is to be eaten in either the kitchen or dining room area.

7.         Kitchen/pantry is off limits after dinner and before breakfast.  [For those parents new to bulimia or binge eating disorder, those with bulimia or BED often may binge in secrecy either in their room or in the kitchen after everyone has gone to bed.  The purpose of this rule is to take a stand against binge eating to make it clear that this behavior is not allowed.]

8.         No visits to the bathroom for at least 45 minutes after meals/snacks 
[Often a loved one will retreat to the bathroom immediately after eating to purge what s/he has eaten.  This rule is to prevent this from happening.  After 45 minutes to an hour, a lot of the nutrients eaten have been absorbed so although vomiting will be very detrimental for electrolyte balance, calories will not be as severely affected; ditto, by the way, re laxatives]

9.         Laundry room: place only washable clothes in washer/dryer.  Clean lint filter as well as washing machine filter after each use.  Work with parent(s) to learn operation.

10.       No activity in common areas before 5AM. [Sleep is critical!]

11.       No leaving the house by any means after bedtime and before 5 AM (see item  #10)
[we have a house alarm that signals when a window is opened......]

12.       Curfew is  by 6 pm for dinner (this is negotiable depending on snack and dinner time)

13.       Parent(s) bedroom/bathroom is off limits

13.       Telephone - early morning cellphone calls  (before 7 am) need to be made in your room; moderate your voice.   House phone: No long distance or toll calls without prior permission.

14.       Clean common areas after use.  Pick up personal belongings and put them away in the evening before bed.

12.       Do not borrow or take any item in the house without permission.

13.       No visitors in the house without parent(s)' permission and presence.

14.       Chores must be done per list.

15.       No smoking/alcohol/illegal substances -- depending on your loved one's behavior(s) re brain function-altering substances

16.       No diet soda or other foods with aspartame; caffeine only in the morning incl all beverages or Excedrin (the purpose of this rule is to help you sleep at nighttime).  [On this point I believe that aspartame is toxic at the levels those with eating disorders often drink soda or add packets to coffee/tea and Excedrin has caffeine.]

17.       Room and Board is $xx/week.  Some might add points about gasoline allowance; car usage; allowance; missed appointments and charges for those if parent is paying; fines incurred, etc. or of course not charge for room and board.

MEALS

1. Three meals a day plus two snacks.  Breakfast and dinner taken here at the house unless dinner is scheduled at  with others.  Lunch here if you are here; pack a lunch or plan on purchasing lunch if away from the house.  [This item is important for those who are helping in the re-feeding process.]
2. No forbidden foods unless doctor prescribes specifically (e.g. gluten-free).
3. We will work with you on the menu and intake to slowly re-gain weight to a healthy level [respect for the adult that s/he is]

CHORES LIST

1.         Help with house and yard work as requested [depending on physical condition]

2.         Keep the guest bathroom clean - floors, sinks, toilet – and personal belongings in appropriate places.  Hang towels and washcloths neatly on the racks.

4.         Keep your room clean - dust/vacuum as necessary

5.         Change and wash your sheets at least once a week, wash your towels at least twice a week

CONSEQUENCES:  Non-compliance will result in you being asked to leave the house and make your own living arrangements.

I agree to these rules: _________________________________ Date:  ______________________