"...Nothing can
be said to be certain except death and taxes."
~Benjamin Franklin
~Benjamin Franklin
Dear Family & Friends of the Eating Disordered (ffed);
Our support group will be meeting again this Wednesday (7/25) at 7:00pm at the Hyde Park counseling Center in Tampa (for directions , chk out their website: HydeParkCenter.com). The ABA 12-step meeting for those battling a disorder will, as usual, be meeting at the same time at the same facility. All our welcome. If you expect to attend the ffed meeting, please drop me a brief line to that effect. The meetings are free, fulfilling, and even sometimes fun.
The topic of boundaries is recurring and for important reason. Our understanding of and ability to establish healthy boundaries for ourselves will affect all of our relationships, but none more so than that with our eating disordered loved one. ED's are a disease that involves the whole family. While we didn't cause the disease, we most certainly can and generally do find ourselves caught up in it, to a greater or lesser degree, and contributing to it through our unwitting enabling (see definition in 11/2 email: doing for someone what they could & should be doing for themselves).
As we think and talk about boundaries, the discussion ultimately leads us to the tough need to identify where boundaries are needed and the tougher still act of defining the boundaries in no uncertain terms. As the saying goes, this is where the rubber hits the road, and for many of us that's exactly when we find ourselves spinning our wheels. We know that things are out of kilter, and we rightly sense that we've become enmeshed in the problem. But we're still unable to see what would seem to us to be a viable option. In fact, it's generally not a matter of lack of options, but more of our inability to recognize that it's our own fears & worries--our own emotional baggage--that we allow to keep us stuck in the mud of enabling. The possibility that our loved one won't respect the boundary we set keeps us from drawing the line. What if we set a boundary and it is broken? We are ultimately afraid that our loved one will carry through on her/his implied threat of self harm (ie. starvation, emotional breakdown, maybe even suicide, etc). We think that our involvement will somehow prevent any such cataclysmic event. We cringe at the thought of having to actually follow through with the consequence. After all, it's always been our intent to make things better, and that could be the worst thing ever...or so we think.
And therein lies the problem, it's with our thinking, our perspective. All responsible folks live with rules and consequences. If we don't pay our electric bill, first there will be a late fee added; eventually the power will be turned off. If it were not so, if there wasn't any penalty for not paying our bill, if it were just left up to us to pay if we wanted but at no risk of being fined or having to do without power--how many people do you honestly think would be sending off that hefty check each month? But for most of us, we know and accept the boundaries the power company, the bank or landlord, the city & state government, etc. have set for what we can and can't do and for the consequences that will be administered should we cross the line. We may not always like the rules, but we respect them if only because we know what the result of disobedience or neglect will be.
It may at times be difficult for us to believe, but in spite of the complaining and dramatics and even outright hostility we must endure, our loved ones will ultimately respect us far more for our leadership (as in leading by example--setting an example of healthy boundaries) than they ever will for our pandering to their addiction's dictates. But, you may be asking, what if the boundaries we set seem to make their disorder worse? First, thank you for being open and honest enough to voice that fear. Secondly, it's critical that we come to understand that the addict will always seek to protect their addiction. One of the keys ways this is done is by manipulating us into thinking they're doing better when in fact they are merely doing a better job of fooling us, of hiding their addictive behavior from us. When we stop "cooperating" (that's what enabling really is--cooperating with the enemy), they may very well lash out in anger and even seek to exact retribution on us by hitting where it hurts most: they will act upon our fears by showing us just how disordered they can be. This doesn't necessarily mean that they're getting worse, only that they've quit hiding what they've been indulging in all along.
While life doesn't come with many guarantees (opening quote being an example of two exceptions), but there are some absolutes I can offer. Nothing earth shattering or that you didn't know already but keeping these in mind may be a help as you struggle to see more clearly just where your boundaries should be:
1. If your aim is to please everyone, you can be certain you'll fail.
2. If your goal is perfection, you will never attain it.
3. Everyone has second guesses and some regrets.
4. You can't change other people, only how you respond to them.
5. Enabling an addiction will never cure it, but only insure it's continued existence.
6. When you stop enabling, you will be able to take better care of yourself.
Hope you have a decent week.
Marjie Ruth
727-244-9011 (c)