Following my daughter's death two years ago, a brief obituary was published a few months later in our local newspaper. I have mentioned her in this blog many times, referring to her as my family member or my daughter. This past week, drawing upon descriptions written by many of her friends, by her brother in a tribute he wrote in a book and earlier to their classmates, and by me in a biography published elsewhere, I wrote a more comprehensive fitting obituary for her. Many whose adult child has passed away due to a severe eating disorder will recognize traits mentioned here. I wanted readers of my blog to partially (how can one really describe a whole person on a page or two) understand who our world lost, what her possibilities and potential were and how her anorexia and accompanying mental illnesses interfered with what she considered to be a life worth living.
I continue to pray and advocate for those caught up in this dreadful illness. I believe that some day a treatment program will be developed, enhanced perhaps by medications or even genetic alterations through eg something like CRISPR, that will save lives. So many people - children, adolescents, and adults are taken by anorexia. In the meantime, the medical and psychiatric professions must continue to educate themselves, diagnose eating disorders quickly, and involve families in the care and eventual recovery of their loved ones. Medical schools must improve their curricula to include current information about the treatment of eating disorders. Change has taken far too long.
My daughter passed
away at the age of 48 in 2021, from complications due to a severe
and enduring eating disorder, persistent depression and anxiety, and other
co-existing disorders. She was preceded
in death by three sets of grandparents.
She s survived by me (her mother), her stepfather, her father, her brother, her aunt, her stepsister and many nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends.
She was born in Tucson,
Arizona in 1973.
During her early life, my daughter made significant contributions to her community and society. As a
counselor at Triangle Y Ranch Camp, she played an instrumental role in guiding
and nurturing young minds. Moreover, while a university student, her tenure
as a Visit Supervisor for Aviva on behalf of Child Protective Services
showcased her unwavering commitment to the welfare of children and families,
leaving a lasting impact on those lives she touched. Later she often reached out a helping hand to
those she encountered during her hospital stays or in her daily life.
In her pursuit of knowledge, my daughter excelled academically. She was graduated from University High School in Tucson and furthered her education first at the University of
California Santa Cruz and later at the University of Arizona from which she was graduated and majored in Psychology with a minor in Architectural Theory. Additionally, she
had a strong inclination towards mathematics and business. Her insatiable
thirst for learning led her to a diverse range of interests and hobbies. She
found solace and joy in music, art, gardening, landscape design, crafts, reading
and Asian art and literature. Her
shelves were laden with note-filled books – novels, non-fiction, poetry and
design/architecture. Her favorite book
by far was The Little Prince by
Antoine de Saint-Exupery, in French.
Following graduation my daughter completed basic combat training for the United States Army at the rank of
specialist before receiving a general discharge due to illness and returning to
Tucson.
For years afterwards she
bravely pursued recovery by entering eight different residential treatment
centers for extended periods of time, some more than once. Hospitalizations for stabilization and
emergency care were frequent over the years, yet she never gave up. Only towards the end of her life when severe
malnutrition led to insurmountable complications did she lose the will to live.
We make decisions about our
life that mold who we are. My daughter did not follow a conventional course. Her
journey during her thirties and forties was a difficult and lonely one. Emotional, sensory, or neurological
challenges are not chosen lives. Those
on an easier path often assume they understand these challenges and experiences
well enough to recommend rigidity, punishment, or a sense of shame. In fact, we just need to offer a far better
journey: empathy, creativity, opportunity, responsibility, and dignity. No fight, especially inner ones, should ever
be lonely.
My daughter possessed a set of
personal traits that made her truly special. Her brother and her friends and I remembered her in many ways. She was a unique individual,
vibrant and unconventional, constantly bursting with creativity, talent, and
intelligence. She relished pushing boundaries and was a determined person
who often made up her own mind. Her
stubbornness and determination were the driving forces behind her
accomplishments. Her energy was infectious, and her sensitivity and
loyalty endeared her to those around her. Loved by many, her strength, brilliance,
wit, and amazing energy brightened the lives of all who had the privilege of
knowing her. She was an inspiration to
her family, always offering unwavering love that will be deeply missed.
To my daughter, life was a canvas
upon which she fearlessly painted her dreams and ambitions, leaving behind
vibrant and colorful creations, often as gifts to others. May her spirit
continue to inspire us all to embrace our passions and unleash our creativity,
just as she did with such fervor.
In remembrance of her, the
family requests that any donations be made to the National Alliance on Mental
Illness, a grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better
lives for people affected by mental illness.
Let us all remember her for the extraordinary person she was, cherishing her memory and carrying her
legacy forward with love and admiration.