No one can make you get better.
The battle for recovery is not between you and me.
It's not between your eating disorder and anyone else.
The battle you have to fight to get better is inside of you.
The battle you have to fight is between your healthy self and your eating disordered self.
~Carolyn Costin
Dear Family & Friends of the Eating Disordered (ffed)
Summertime is upon us and that means that vacation season is now in full swing. So please let me know if you're planning to attend this week's meeting at
7:00 PM on Tuesday (June 3rd) in Tampa at the Hyde Park Counseling
Center on Verne Street in Tampa. Everyone is welcome. The ABA 12-step
meeting for those battling a disorder will be meeting at the same time,
same place. If you need driving directions, go to www.HydeParkCenter.com. All are welcome. The only cost is the time and energy it takes for you to get there!! Trust me: it's well worth that price.
This
week's quote is by Carolyn Costin rings so true because it is penned by
a person who speaks from personal experience as she is recovered from a
serious eating disorder. Carolyn not only has fought the tough battle
and won, but also she has gone on to become a highly credentialed
treating professional and opened her own eating disorder treatment
program which has now expanded to 8 locations (MonteNido.com). She has
also authored eight very well received books, including Your Dieting Daughter and The Eating Disorder Sourcebook.
And
why have I chosen this quote which was obviously directed at someone
with an eating disorder, as opposed to a caring family member or other
loved one? Because I think what Carolyn has said makes a powerful
statement to us about where we stand in the battle our loved one is in
with an eating disorder. So, from the start, please note that we aren't
in a battle with our loved one's ED. We might be having constant wars
with our own emotions as we struggle to handle the upset that comes our
way because of the presence of the eating disorder in the life of
someone we care about. But we are named "No one" in this quote because:
"No one (that's you & me) can make you (your loved one) get better."
Try
as we might, it's beyond our power. And any sustained effort we might
exert to try to force the issue, is more than likely to back fire and
only make things worse.
"The battle for recovery is not between you and me."
...it
only feels that way. The more involved we are in trying to orchestrate
their recovery, the more we become the target for their emotional
outbursts. Some of it is because of the struggle for control. ED's are
all about your loved one's personal struggle to cope with frightening or
unsettling emotions. It's all about control, however false that sense
of control might be. When we set up an emotional tug-of-war in which
nobody wins.
Because
the battle that needs to be fought is within the person and against
their disorder, our task is to discern where we may have crossed over a
healthy line and to figure out how to extricate ourselves from the
melee. That usually means discontinuing any enabling actions on our part
and disengaging from any co-dependent behaviors. It may not seem like
enough, but steps like these go a very long way in helping to clear the
way for a more healthy perceptions for all, which is fertile ground for
real healing.
Whether
you've only recently discovered that your loved one is dealing with an
eating disorder or the war is an old one with significant recovery or
perhaps it's a relapse that has your world spinning out of control,
figuring our just where your place is in the "conflict" is a vital step.
Knowing and accepting that you are not the person in any way in charge
of, responsible for, in control of, or able to resolve your loved one's
ED is a huge step for both you and your loved one.
And even if you had learned this lesson previously but needed a refresher, this quote is the admonition for you!!
Marjie Ruth
727-244-9011 (c)