A year ago this month, I experienced something I'd never felt before -- overwhelming despair -- and knew I needed to do something about it. About five months later, I wrote a post about my experience and what I chose to do.
I was faced with a similar situation this past Thursday evening. My coping "tools" this time around include my husband who has taken the time to understand eating and brain disorders better and therefore has become an effective listener; my therapist and our continuing work on how I think and what I do about those thoughts; and the wonderful support group I'm so grateful to be a member of.
I raised the topic of expectations this morning and the thoughts that topic elicited from the group were nothing short of amazing. We all walked away with such a variety of perspectives on the term without my needing to go into any personal detail at all.
One of the sayings I've come to respect is expectations breed resentments. Before you, the reader, object and say that expectations are a good thing: witness what we have learned to survive in this world is based on many expectations and also what happens in school systems when children are expected to succeed rather than to fail. I agree with you.
But there are other kinds of expectations that lead me, at least, in the direction of oh no's (negative fantasy) automatically rather than oh boy's (positive fantasy). I'm programmed, having been a witness to harmful behaviors for more than twenty years to expect the worst or at least to expect not so great an outcome even though my own outcome was positive!!!! (More on this soon when I finish reviewing Aimee Liu's new book titled Restoring Our Bodies, Reclaiming Our Lives). So, when I learned about something my loved one had done, I was stunned because I had seen what this choice had done in the past and my mind leaped into the future with visions of dire consequences.
However, this year I also realized that I'd changed. My mind, as I said, still leaped into a future fantasy. However, I have come to understand at a much deeper level that I am not prescient. And I know from my own experience and life that choices I've made in the past are no longer viable or healthy options for me so why should I assume that anyone else's choices will result in calamity rather than a learning experience with a positive outcome?
But, being a parent brings with it a deep connection with one's child(ren). So this time, rather than sink into despair, I hovered between hanging on/seeing what will unfold and working my way into a different state of mind. Both states are a development I did not think a year ago I would be able someday to reach. And yet, here I am.
I'm sad, to tell the truth. I feel afraid of that pain and potential grieving that I may face. Actually, I'm living it today because I am grieving for the person who once upon a time didn't make such a harmful choice. I am scared (but not to death) that the choice will grab hold again. I also comprehend that there isn't anything I can do about it other than turn it over, detach with love, and pray that there's enough wisdom in my loved one now to avoid harm once the issue leading to the decision is addressed. [N.B. I frequent Al-Anon meetings because six years ago I was unaware of a support group for eating disorders and I believed (still do) that the behaviors that become entrenched are similar to addictions.]
So, I'm going to continue to hang on to the concept of "possibilities" and work through the pain and fear that I'm feeling today. Quien sabe?