"Their Battle for Their Recovery"

The arrival yesterday in my mailbox of Marjie Ruth's latest post could not have been more timely.  As usual, I remind readers here that my posts are directed towards family members and friends of adults with eating disorders.  As a friend of mine has said many times, we can shine a light on the path and on the opportunities yet ultimately the decision, as Carolyn Costin writes, to get on the path to recovery is up to the person with the eating disorder.  I often say I am an ally but, in fact, I am not the warrior.    Here's Marjie's latest post including their meeting information in case a reader is from the Tampa area and wants to take advantage of the meeting offered:

No one can make you get better.

 The battle for recovery is not between you and me.

 It's not between your eating disorder and anyone else.

 The battle you have to fight to get better is inside of you.

 The battle you have to fight is between your healthy self and your eating disordered self. 

~Carolyn Costin

Dear Family & Friends of the Eating Disordered (ffed)

Summertime is upon us and that means that vacation season is now in full swing. So please let me know if you're planning to attend this week's meeting at 7:00 PM on Tuesday (June 3rd) in Tampa at the Hyde Park Counseling Center on Verne Street in Tampa. Everyone is welcome. The ABA 12-step meeting for those battling a disorder will be meeting at the same time, same place. If you need driving directions, go to www.HydeParkCenter.com. All are welcome. The only cost is the time and energy it takes for you to get there!! Trust me: it's well worth that price. 

This week's quote is by Carolyn Costin rings so true because it is penned by a person who speaks from personal experience as she is recovered from a serious eating disorder. Carolyn not only has fought the tough battle and won, but also she has gone on to become a highly credentialed treating professional and opened her own eating disorder treatment program which has now expanded to 8 locations (MonteNido.com). She has also authored eight very well received books, including Your Dieting Daughter and The Eating Disorder Sourcebook.

And why have I chosen this quote which was obviously directed at someone with an eating disorder, as opposed to a caring family member or other loved one? Because I think what Carolyn has said makes a powerful statement to us about where we stand in the battle our loved one is in with an eating disorder. So, from the start, please note that we aren't in a battle with our loved one's ED. We might be having constant wars with our own emotions as we struggle to handle the upset that comes our way because of the presence of the eating disorder in the life of someone we care about. But we are named "No one" in this quote because:

"No one (that's you & me) can make you (your loved one) get better."

Try as we might, it's beyond our power. And any sustained effort we might exert to try to force the issue, is more than likely to back fire and only make things worse. 

"The battle for recovery is not between you and me."

...it only feels that way. The more involved we are in trying to orchestrate their recovery, the more we become the target for their emotional outbursts. Some of it is because of the struggle for control. ED's are all about your loved one's personal struggle to cope with frightening or unsettling emotions. It's all about control, however false that sense of control might be. When we set up an emotional tug-of-war in which nobody wins.

Because the battle that needs to be fought is within the person and against their disorder, our task is to discern where we may have crossed over a healthy line and to figure out how to extricate ourselves from the melee. That usually means discontinuing any enabling actions on our part and disengaging from any co-dependent behaviors. It may not seem like enough, but steps like these go a very long way in helping to clear the way for a more healthy perceptions for all, which is fertile ground for real healing.

Whether you've only recently discovered that your loved one is dealing with an eating disorder or the war is an old one with significant recovery or perhaps it's a relapse that has your world spinning out of control, figuring our just where your place is in the "conflict" is a vital step. Knowing and accepting that you are not the person in any way in charge of, responsible for, in control of, or able to resolve your loved one's ED is a huge step for both you and your loved one. 

And even if you had learned this lesson previously but needed a refresher, this quote is the admonition for you!!

Marjie Ruth

727-244-9011 (c)

sruth1@tampabay.rr.com

Eating Disorder Recovery is a Process/ED Treatment Must Be As Well

Among all the messages coming at the public in the media this week are those focused on eating disorders, thanks to the growing initiative known as Eating Disorders Awareness Week.  Some of the messages are personal; i.e. they are stories.  Stories tend to grab attention as many of us know which is why the Eating Disorders Coalition has worked so hard to create the means for families to tell their stories to legislators on Capitol Hill.

This work extends beyond Washington, DC to individual states like Arizona where yesterday, Senator Katie Hobbs introduced a resolution to our Legislature.  Here's her resolution:

Yet stories present "just" one perspective on a disease that we know now is biologically based and that research is revealing appears for reasons that aren't quite understood.  So, to educate the public somehow these stories in the media especially this week need to be couched in a constantly updated base of information about eating disorders.  Some pieces are introduced with that kind of information; others are not.  Some continue to highlight the relationship between mother and daughter/son in ways that can be interpreted as blaming.  The media needs to get beyond this blaming message by improving the message and one of the ways the media can do that is by introducing the story with, perhaps, a few sentences that emphasize that eating disorders are, in fact, biologically based illnesses.  The how remains the question and many are working on a solution including organizations like F.E.A.S.T., NEDA, ANAD, NAMI and others as well as dedicated researchers.

Yet this is only part of the entire picture.  The other part is the necessary acceptance by all concerned -- parents, the medical establishment, insurance companies, the legislature, and the individual herself/himself who may or may not be aware of their role in getting well -- that recovery is a process and not just dependent on one stay in a residential facility or a several months-long effort on the part of a team including the family.  Many of us have learned that the potential for the reappearance of the illness may be a life long tendency. 

In addition, the recovery process depends on the Establishment's/the public's awareness that treatment of eating disorders must be carried on in the same way that treatment is provided for other biological illnesses.  So, for example, a person with diabetes or multiple sclerosis gets on-going treatment covered by insurance (one hopes and that's another topic) and monitored on an ongoing basis, as well.

This is not as simple as it looks.  Those with illnesses like diabetes can monitor their own illnesses through daily tests and periodic doctor's visits.  The treatment of eating disorders, because they aren't well understood yet, isn't as easily defined.  And often, the brains (thinking processes) of those with eating disorders are so compromised that they are unable to monitor their "state".  So, a system needs to be put in place for this illness that provides ongoing coverage by insurance so that anytime a person with this illness falters, s/he can return to more intensive treatment to get back on track without having to jump through hoops to get it.

In other words, the door to treatment for eating disorders must remain open and methods of treatment (both physical and psychological) must remain flexible to address that person's changing needs since this disease affects people of all ages.  All too often doors are slammed shut without alternatives provided.  This situation must change, especially for those whose eating disorder has been progressing for a long time.

The bottom line is that we need legislation to make sure that insurance providers and the medical establishment remain as open to the need for ongoing  treatment  of eating disorders as they are for diseases like diabetes.  In addition, we need the education/continuing education of doctors and therapists to include the latest information about treatment of eating disorders and the incorporation of this information into the required re-licensing of all.

F.E.A.S.T. Conference 2014: Remember to Take Care of Yourself, Too!!

March 28 2019

A few years ago, I flew to Dallas to attend the 2014 F.E.A.S.T. Conference, Connecting the Dots: Expanding the Knowledge Base and Extending the Circle of Care to Fight Eating Disorders.

Three of the speakers - two presented together - focused on a critical aspect of the Circle of Care; namely, the caregiver(s).  This topic is often overlooked because so many of us are focused on the Knowledge Base rather than on the Circle of Care.  However, without a strong Circle of Care -- whether it's composed of mom, dad, partner, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, grandparents or friends to name a few -- the well goes dry.

Those of us who make up that circle must take care of ourselves.  So, how can we do that?

I attended the session titled "From Hopeless and Fearful to Empowered Caregiver!" by Becky Henry, CPCC, who is the Founder of the Hope Network, LLC and a member of the F.E.A.S.T. Board of Directors.  The second session, presented by  Karl and Ellen Kregor,  the grandparents of a young woman who attended the conference, was titled "Extending the Circle of Care: how can extended family support a loved-one with an eating disorder".  [I wish I could have attended both and I look forward to watching the video of the Kregor's session.]

I've written previously about the enormous responsibility taken on by parents and other family members and friends who step up in one way or another to ally with a person who is fighting an eating disorder.  I've written about my own recovery, both in terms of learning how to advocate for my loved one in a healthy way - i.e. taking care of myself; as well as my own recovery from bulimia more than 35 years ago.  If you've been reading my and others' blogs, you probably have seen terms and phrases like in the trenches; post-traumatic stress disorder;  it's a marathon, not a sprint; help! 

Emily Long, LPC, developed a list, a link to which is no longer available, about Extreme Self Care (which is also the title of a useful book of the same title by Cheryl Richardson - The Art of Extreme Self Care).   I've reprinted Emily Long's list of 100 items below.  Many of these suggestions are on my own list and I've added a couple more.  One of the first things Becky Howard asked us to do at the start of her presentation was to make a list of what we do for self-care.  Did you know that smiling releases endorphins?  that laughter does the same thing?  Even if you don't feel like smiling, smile.  I always feel a shift; I'm pretty sure you will, too.

As family members, our goal is to identify things we can do -- if only for a moment or a few minutes, or an hour, or an afternoon -- to take a break.  To re-nourish our spirits and our bodies.  To reconnect with our own support system.  Frankly, I truly believe it's impossible to carry on without these kinds of activities.  Some of the suggestions are beyond the means of some readers; others just aren't possible given time contraints.  But, all offer a way to disconnect, recharge and take a long drink from that Well, the gathering place for women over the ages.

Post the list where you can see it!   On the refrigerator, on your mirror, by the front door.

Thanks to a meeting I attend just about every Saturday, I've learned the acronym H.A.L.T.  It's a reminder that if I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired, I need to halt what I'm doing and take a break.  Here are some ideas:

1. Naps
2. Massage
3. Have an Adventure Day
4. Read (easy, fun reads though, not self-help or professional books!)
5. Snuggle with the cat (or dog or baby or kids)
6. Hugs
7. Long walks and/or hikes
8. Bubble baths
9. Movies (again, easy watches – not horrific documentaries or violent battles or super sad ones that remind you of your own losses)
10. Order dinner in (or have someone else make it)
11. Say no
12. Buy yourself flowers
13. Sip a mug of hot, soothing tea
14. Play in the snow
15. Dig your toes into the sand (dig your toes in the grass.  Remember the movie Pretty Woman?)
16. Feel the sun (or rain) on your face
17. Hold hands
18. Meditate
19. Get a facial
20. Listen to your favorite music
21. Make a delights list
22. Do something on your delights list
23. Repeat above (over and over)
24. Acupuncture
25. Snuggle with your partner
26. Have sex
27. Journal
28. Turn off the computer, cell phone and TV for 24 hours
29. Go on a retreat
30. Sit and people watch
31. Garden or even weed!
32. Do something creative (draw, knit, crossstitch, paint, cook, write, color, make a collage, etc.)
33. Daydream
34. Dance with a child
35. Have a Harry Potter movie marathon (it’s a personal favorite!)
36. Take a mental health day from work
37. Keep your daily to-do list to 3 items or less
38. Swing on the swings
39. Have energy work done
40. Have a laugh fest with your best friend
41. Eat simply
42. Break up with your TV
43. Allow yourself to cry and experience your emotions
44. Join a support group
45. Get a pedicure (or manicure)
46. Tell yourself “I love you”
47. Browse your favorite bookstore (or music store)
48. Have a game night with friends
49. Write thank you notes to those who have touched your life and inspired you
50. Spend the day exploring your town – go places you don’t normally go
51. Practice random acts of kindness & senseless acts of beauty
52. Write a love letter to someone you love ( doesn’t have to be a partner)
53. Write a love letter to yourself
54. Have a “Freedom from Self-Improvement Day”
55. Listen to Holosync
56. Color (try going outside the lines – its fun!)
57. Keep a gratitude journal
58. Talk a walk with your camera – take pictures of all you see that delights you
59. Find and notice something beautiful every day
60. Do something badly.  Keep doing it.
61. Admire beautiful artwork
62. Do absolutely nothing
63. Do one brave thing everyday
64. Play
65. Treat yourself to something
66. Wear something that makes you feel beautiful or handsome and confident
67. Have an “All Day PJs Day”
68. Say I love you everyday
69. Jump in piles of leaves
70. Quit the job you hate that drains you
71. Say YES to what you truly love
72. Give yourself permission
73. Let go of belongings you no longer love or use (even family heirlooms)  Also applies to relationships
74. Hire someone to clean your house
75. Hire someone to mow your lawn
76. Let go of your story - aren't you tired of it?
77. Laugh
78. Be generous
79. Lay in the grass and watch the clouds
80. Take a long walk with your dog
81. Ride horse
82. Give up New Year’s Resolutions.  Pick a word instead
83. Stop drinking caffeine
84. Dance around your house
85. Forgive others
86. Forgive yourself
87. Make a list of the things you want to do in your lifetime
88. Do one of those things
89. And then do another
90. Eat healthy, whole foods
91. Eat something unhealthy AND enjoy it without self-criticism or guilt
92. Watch cartoons
93. Read the comics
94. Smile for no reason
95. Call the friends you’ve been meaning to call
96. Go complaint free
97. Schedule a day of no schedule
98. Go boat riding
99. Buy yourself a cheery balloon
100. What do you do for extreme self-care?
101. Seek therapy/psychiatric care
102. go outside in a rainstorm and splash through puddles
103. Walk through your local nursery.  I did and took a photo of the petunias at the top of this page (and then bought the basket and brought it home).
104. Eat a piece of dark chocolate
105. Give Up [this is not what you think so read my definition just below]

#105 - Give Up - is an important one for me.  Somewhere along the line through these many years I realized that to Give Up does not mean to quit; rather, it means to give it up to God so that S/He can relieve me of my worries and cares for awhile.  Another similar expression is "Turn it Over."  In the middle of the night when I wake up, I now envision God wrapping my loved one in a white soft blanket and holding her so I can get some sleep.  This image has helped me countless times to get the necessary sleep to carry on.

#101 - my own experience re seeking therapy/psychiatric help

To close, my mother who was part of my family member's (and my) Circle of Care loved to needlepoint.  She created this for me so I would remember that I do not have to "do it" alone:

Guest Post by Marjie Ruth: Memorize and Repeat - Be Consistent and Persistent

[This post seemed especially pertinent to me this week.  I often fail in my efforts to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.  Practice, practice, practice.]

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear,

but around in awareness.

~ James Thurber

 The other week I was communicating with one of our mom's who is currently going through a challenging time of growth with her daughter. "Time of growth" might sound like something of a euphemism when used in reference to dealing with a loved one who is in a serious (sometimes life or death) struggle with their disorder and things don't seem to be going very well. How can a relapse or regression be termed anything so trivial or pleasant sounding as a "time of growth"? Shall we call living on the edge of Hell just a period of "cozying up to the fireplace"? Nope, I'm not underestimating the amount of pain that families go through (lived there, felt it) when the things get rough. Periods of growth, or struggling to grow, are challenging and difficult. Remember the common term growing pains? Yes, now you know why the word pain is used. Growth can be very, very painful and generally the level of pain correlates directly to the level of dysfunction involved. So what might be a less painful though perhaps still somewhat stressful step for a more highly functioning person, is a real crisis with an uncertain outcome for someone battling a serious addiction or personality dysfunction or other mental illness. 

At all times and especially during the challenging moments with our loved ones, it's especially important for each of us to be consistent and persistent in the establishment and maintenance of healthy boundaries. Be consistent: be clear to yourself and your loved one as to what your boundaries are and say the same thing over and over if necessary (see: persistent) to stay on point and to get the point across that you mean what you say; be on the same page with your spouse, or partner, or other involved family members so that the message is consistent among all; avoid second guessing yourself--especially under pressure--and retreating back to your old comfort zone of enabling behaviors. Be persistent: stay the course as growth and change generally take much longer than we would like, hope, or expect. So often we give up and give in without realizing that we just veered off the path of the goal we so wanted (growth and change) and have derailed recovery because it was simply too uncomfortable for us.  Frankly, it's no fun being a border control guard, but that's the role that we pretty much must assume in order to protect and enforce the boundaries that we establish with our loved ones. It's difficult because their addiction will constantly want to test those boundaries to find the weak chink and attempt to break through. That's what desperate disorders/addictions do. They fight for survival through exerting control over their host--your loved one. Sound like an invasion of aliens? That's what it often feels like to us, but to them it just feels like trying to make it through another tough, tough day.  

And it can be tough on us to feel as though we're being harsh and mean and cold by enforcing the "rules", but I guess that is simply the way it feels when we have to stick with healthy boundaries against the onslaught of a very ugly disease. Addicts retreat repeatedly to the "comfort" of their addiction because it feels good/safe in the moment. And then when that brings negative consequences down the road, guess what they do to deal with those bad feelings? Yup, it's back to the addiction for another comfort fix. The struggle for recovery can be very painful for everyone involved or affected by the addict. What we need to constantly remember is that one good result does not a cure make. In other words, the lure of the addiction is so strong, it takes a lot of new learning and growing to get to a place of being able to resist it. So that means we must continue to stay grounded in our enforcement of boundaries for a long long time...for always. 

Wishing for you strength, courage, peace, and hope.

Marjie Ruth

727-244-9011 (c)

sruth1@tampabay.rr.com